Enough is enough
I am angry!
Super duper angry.
For the goodness sake of the final time, this is the last last time, I will ever put my trust in this matter.
Enough is enough, it get me into enough troubles.
I didn't put in as much trust as last time but nonetheless, it didn't do me any good and more over, I get into the so called "troubles" again.
I has enough of the nonsense.
The people angry?
More like I should be angry!
For misplacing my trust and said that I never said can't say.
I learnt one thing throughout the word, to practise wisdom.
Wisdom to know what can say and what can't be say.
Knowing, I learn it once again, over with it...
I am done with it.
A thorn in the flesh.
I has enough of it.
Finish...
It is time to find and build good relationships with others.
No longer will I be that trustful of human, no wonder the word of God asked us to be wise.
Remembering the LORD @ 2:28 AM
To be stronger, I got to learn to move on
I told P that I won't post it up in notes. Yet I can't help it.
All the angers that built within me finally came out yesterday.
Guess they only witnessed it for the 1st time.
I always has been a very hot-tempered person and I found it unfair when I witnessed things that isn't reasonable.
For me, the incident wasn't reasonable.
For me, false accusations is bad.
For me, miscommunication is bad.
And is all started out because of assumption.
Assumption of people's feeling.
I told P that I will let it go yet the word "unwilling" make up angry.
If I have been unwilling, I won't even approached the person urgently.
If I have been unwilling, I won't even tear down my pride to ask my ex-member who was my ex-classmate who now my enemy turned good brother for him to pay for the thing that he wanted to learn.
When he shared with me his needs for help, I really wanted to help him yet I know it is unfair for people to teach him for free.
I tried to negotiate and it is a bit hard when he said he will also look for other people.
But did anyone know how hard is it?
To ask from people that you are close to and don't wanna to spoil the friendship?
And the same thing goes to zone and whatever.
It is hard when you are asking people to pay for skills especially from close friends.
And I was so angry.
I am going away.
Facing mental stress and my mum was in a way, worried about whether has I done all the necessary things.
My friend is going away and I can't contact him as he won't be around the time I come back.
And I sick of ever hearing about relationships from the suppose "clique" of mine.
I think I has been unfair to the unknown person in the whole picture.
Now think back, when I knew this friend of mine, I only heard opinion from his CG member and turned out, when it caused me unnecessary problem and when he and my friend know one another, I has been using my another friend's opinion to see this person.
It is unfair, it seem so and after which, when I ever mentioned anything about them, it is only meant to be a normal friendship interaction thing.
And who knows people will think it another way and caused me to be defensive over my friend.
I am just so upset and maybe when I come back, everything will be forgotten to me.
I guess, in my heart, I has been feeling taken advantage of.
Trying to do my best to help.
Be a blessing and Cindy was right to say...
When you sow, you will reap.
Yet sometimes when you sow into a ground, you might not reap back.
Be wise.
And P was right to tell me to guard my heart stronger from now on.
Be careful who share things with.
Sometimes, beside leaders, we can't share with anyone.
I just need a wake up call and I received it the hard way.
P, thank for being a good friend who remain neutral in the whole situation and thank for your sincerity to keep me in prayers.
Thank everyone who smses and facebook me.
I going off.
And I letting go all to be stronger.
Stronger in my emotions.
Stronger in my thoughts.
And most of all, God is my strength and I want to be stronger for His cause.
Remembering the LORD @ 6:43 AM
Another New Journey!
Finally, I can start to blog through my blog again instead of using the notes in FB.
FB has become part of my life. Using twitter and FB toolbar to update my facebook and with facebook, I learn to catch up with the life of my friends and making new friends.
Looking back, this few months has been a rollar coster ride for me.
Praying and going for my vision.
Seeking and asking for an answer.
I has faced people who hurted me, I has talked to people who seeking for comfort and I has talked to people who give me comfort/
Most of all, God has brought wonderful friends.
I wasn't the most talkative one, even though I know Trudy and Val might say otherwise but you girls played a part to make me extroverted, and to say the truth, you girls are my breakthrough. You girls are the first bunch of people who willingly listened to my lame jokes and laughed together with me. I nearly gave up be fun because someone told me lame jokes is not good and I should be lame. But you girls told me otherwise and I learnt to be lame all thanks to... Ricky!!!
And I was talking to Mark a couple of days back and Ricky sometimes back. Wonder did they remembered.
The 1st time I joined NYP, I wasn't talking much.
They asked questions and I replied back. Just as simple as that.
And even in group, I would talk to people but then after getting to know them, I won't talk much and resort to listen cause sometimes I speak, people's voices would drown out my voice and I often prefer just keep silent.
And to think back, all these still happened even in my SOT days and sometimes, meeting new people outside of my CG still caused me to be like this.
And a new journey has begin again.
Every single day, I learning to talk more and be more opened.
Every single day, I meeting people who inspired me.
And sometimes, I learning to initiate chat in msn and surprisingly, I get to hear amazing stories from people.
Cindy encouraged me.
Sow and you shall reap.
To find real friends, sow into their life.
And I trying, and learning.
It was sad at first when I choose to let go of certain friends that I once has fun with.
They might be so called the same "level" as me but ultimately, the friendship brings burden rather than inspiration and I was trapped.
Now look back, I am enjoying making friends with new people.
People that I never contacted often.
Some I only know them after SOT ended and amazingly, I enjoyed talking and listening to them even if it is through MSN.
And Book of Romans brought us back again.
We shared, we talked and we inspired.
I found that I am not the only "introverted" girl around. There are another girl and we discovered we are quite alike and I enjoyed the bus ride with her. That day, I has the longest fellowship ever. 4 hrs of fellowship with testimonies and sharing and inspiration.
I felt more refreshed than ever before.
And I spoke to another ex-SOT friend who I only met once.
And the encouragement we gave one another really keep me going.
It is a brand new experience.
After 4 years of asking God for friends and I ever asked people about it.
And there was a season I even ask God, is it true that some of us might live a life without true friends? As one person once told me, you won't be the only one. Some people who is mature in the faith will also tell you even after so many years in church, you might not find any good friends but I realised, that not the true. God will bring people into your life that will help you through! Beside God and your future partner, true friends keep you going. They keep you in reality check.
Now I am ready for another rollar coster ride.
And I really praying to get well soon as the sooner I get well, then I can go on the trip for medical mission.
Like Paul said, if that the will of God, God will open doorways and now He opened for me. With my mum's approval!
How good can it be?
God has indeed, a very good God.Labels: Journey Begin
Remembering the LORD @ 12:07 PM
Guarding over my heart
I found myself awaiting the day I ending my vow.
I found myself unsure of what to feel about it.
And I found myself trying to guard over my own heart.
I still can't believe that it has been nearly 5 years.
5 years of a vow, of a promise that sometimes I found it hard to keep.
Yet the promise of all is for me to stay single for this season and along the ways, I nearly broken it when I was under intense pressure yet I make it through thus far.
It isn't easy.
Seeing people around my age getting attached.
Most SOT students who are around my age all getting attached one by one.
Yet, I am glad for yesterday as Cindy was talking to us (the helpers) about relationship.
She said, in church there are many girls that are good yet they found themselves single.
And most of the times, they are single because the men's standard dropped and they can't find any that matches their standards.
And she asked me...
As I wanna to go missions next time, would I choose someone who is introvert, not supportive, quiet etc and etc.
I told her that I rather stay single.
And she said to the brothers that the answer is like that, she would rather stay single.
I have met my fair shares of guys.
And frankly speaking, some make me admire them.
But I still got a couple of months to go.
God, I really pray that by my birthday, I am ready and you will send a guy that is according to my criteria.
I never set a super high one.
But my leader also think, finding someone extrovert and supportive is good.
And that is only part of my criteria.
The rest is for me to know, and whoever reading this to find out.
I need to guard my heart even more.
Few more months to go.
Remembering the LORD @ 2:09 PM
Cry for a breakthrough
God, where are the people I want to talk to when I facing storms?
God, I really don't know what is going on...
The pains that I went through and still walking through.
This season isn't easy.
I really need a breakthrough.
4 more weeks to go and I need to find go back to the marketplace, but the burden is huge.
Too huge...
Yet I rather by the chosen one, then to be the called one only.
I crying for a breakthrough.
Remembering the LORD @ 2:04 PM
